|Photo Credit: One Candle Photos via Compfight cc|
In the midst of preparing for my exit from the all-liquid diet in a couple days, I have also noticed a curious impatience within myself – not necessarily to start eating again (though that is a major factor), but to be done. Not to be finished with my new lifestyle and eating patterns, mind you – unless I fall off the wagon and stay there, these changes should be life-long. But to actually feel like I have accomplished something.
I know, I know – I have already dropped 60+ pounds. My clothes are falling off my body as I walk around the house. I haven’t needed my knee brace since I came home from the hospital. These are all positive and laudable things. I get that.
But, when I look in the mirror, nothing looks any different to me. When I look at Lor, I can see major positive changes to her body. (Hoo, boy, can I ever.) I look at myself in the mirror and see only that my face is showing more wrinkles and I am losing my hair. I mean, seriously – at 240 pounds, I am still 80 pounds overweight. So, yeah. I am starting to get a little impatient.
The surgical recovery period isn’t helping my mental state any. I am still not permitted to move anything heavier than 10 pounds, and boy does it show. My arms and legs have never been flabbier. My sleep patterns are shot. (I started working on this article at 3 AM, for example.) And my blood pressure, which we had really hoped would be addressed by the surgery, has skyrocketed the last few days, and I am back on blood pressure meds. Very disappointing.
The walking is getting better, at least. Last night should’ve been our first 1-mile walk since our surgeries, but we were interrupted by rain and a power outage across the neighborhood. Even so, we managed half a mile of walking just running errands and grocery shopping, so the day wasn’t a total loss. Today we’ll get a mile. By the beginning of next week, we’ll probably be up to a mile and a half a day. (We’re adding about a tenth of a mile every day.) But even yesterday, unloading groceries from the car (one bag at a time, mind you), I could feel twinges from my incision sites. The fact that everything is not healed up yet is really frustrating to me, despite the fact that I am only 2 weeks out from surgery today.
In a way, it is reminiscent of being a child and counting down that last month until Christmas or Summer vacation – every hour that passes takes a day, every week that passes seems like a month. I am so ready to be able to eat real food, to work out, to look in the mirror and actually see someone different. Encouragement from everyone around me has been awesome – but there is still my personal sense that I am only wearing the Emperor’s New Clothes. I am ready for something more tangible.
Let’s Get This Show On The Road,