The Pre-Final Countdown

 

Photo Credit: ryanredward via Compfight cc

 

Procrastination is a living, breathing animal that eats your best intentions and leaves you with the remains of wasted time.

 

I had every intention of producing a blog yesterday morning. When I sat down to write it, it occurred to me that the momentous events of the day were coming up later in the morning, so surely I should just write later, right? But later came and went, and left me in such a dither of emotions that I could never actually get anything coherent down to be published. So, here we are, 24 hours late, with the news that we’ve all been waiting for.

 

The day has come, the die has been cast, etc. – I go under the knife (the scopes?) on July 25th, just a hair under 6 weeks from Lor’s surgery date. I do still have to pass muster with a psychiatrist, but that evaluation is scheduled for 2 days from now. Barring any catastrophic failures, this thing is a go.

 

I am not exactly ambivalent about the whole thing. The meeting with the nutritionist yesterday was extremely positive. I’ve lost a total of 30 pounds since we started the process in February. Lor and I are exercising every day, dietary changes have been made successfully¬†– I’ve received a glowing report on my pre-surgical prep from the team over at ABQ Health Partners. It seems like I am prepared to succeed at this.

 

But…(there is always a but) I am still having trouble wrapping my head around where this is all going to wind up. My loved ones are cautioning me to not be overly optimistic about the final results of my surgery – ¬†high blood pressure and sleep apnea, for example, have been a part of my family genetic makeup regardless of size or weight. Thanks to my currently over-sized body I will probably never be built like Hugh Jackman, but will instead be left with an apron of left-over skin reaching down to my knees. I mean, I am happy to accept all those results if it means I can finally walk without being in constant pain. But I was kind of hoping for more dramatic results than what I am being cautioned to expect. No one is trying to talk me down off the ledge, but I seem to be receiving plenty of warnings that the landing won’t be as comfortable as I was hoping for.

 

I am left looking in the mirror now, trying to figure out what (if anything) will be different about me when this process is all said and done. My surgeon airily informed me back in March that the surgery would “Get me down below 200 pounds”. I am 30 pounds down now, and I am just not seeing it in the mirror. Granted, I already feel better – I can walk two miles now and carry on a conversation afterwards. This from a guy who 3 months ago couldn’t carry groceries out of the car without gasping for air during the process. I guess I was just hoping for something more tangible, and I am kind of afraid that even losing over 100 pounds post-surgery is still going to leave me looking like a deflated balloon. A deflated balloon with high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and excess skin hanging off me everywhere.

 

Later today is our bi-weekly “measurement” routine. I am hoping for some positive results there, because right this second I could use a win. I am not nearly as pumped up about having a date for my surgery as I had thought I would be.

 

Curiously Ambivalent,

 

– Hawkwind

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